The 8 "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"

1

I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness.

If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.

2

I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others.

I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people. Oh, and don't judge people for how they were born - I made them that way.

3

I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay?

Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. Man = person. Samey-Samey. One is not better than the other.

4

I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity.

As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is "go f*** yourself," unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.

5

I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynist, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach.

Eat, then go after the b*******. And trust me, they're b*******. Everyone knows it, but they pretend not to.

6

I'd really rather you didn't build multimillion-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness...

...when the money could be better spent (take your pick): a) Ending poverty, b) Curing diseases, c) Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable. I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life.

7

I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you.

You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?

8

I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you...

...if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM!